Bon Jovi is such a stud, he turned his Christmas offering into an ode to butt sex. Not exactly the first thing we think of on Christmas morning, (though we understand if it's Bon Jovi's).
The world will forever have this Christmas song about waiting under the mistletoe with Justin Bieber's "shorty." And that's why we have dedicated our lives to building a time machine.
The Boss may need to be fired for this one. The way he crams the square peg of his voice into the round hole of this song will send shudders down your spine.
Adam Levine sings with the conviction of an O.J. Simpson "not guilty" plea. In the hands of such a lightweight, John Lennon's beautiful poetry turns to shreds of used toilet paper. We never thought we'd say this, but we'd take Yoko Ono's screeching cat noises over Levine's clueless mimicry any day.
Is it depressing to say that Michael Bublé is the Frank Sinatra of our times? Yes. Especially when hearing his not-so-subtle twist of this Eartha Kitt classic. Turning "baby" into "buddy," Bublé somehow manages to transform a slightly worn-out Christmas tune into a portrait of insecure manhood at its eye-rolling best.
This new addition to the Christmas garbage heap aimed for greatness and missed it by a century. The faces of the kids gathered around Diamond in this music video say it all. Who is this man and what has he done to Christmas?
Even if you were spending Christmas beachside in a luxury cabana sipping mai tais in the surf, you'd still want to drown yourself if this song came on. The only line it will be forming is the one exiting the party.
Don't get us wrong. If you like unapologetically cheesy, made-for-TV songs delivered with rococo sincerity, by all means, you will like NewSong's Christmas gem. However, for everyone else, it will probably make you weep in ways you can never forget.
Donkeys all over the world should be ashamed of themselves for participating in this campy Christmas tune. Its frequent rotation on department store playlists has made life harder than it ever needed to be.
A reality show about a family of duck hunters released an entire Christmas album. If this doesn't automatically ruin Christmas forever, we're pretty sure their version of "Deck the Halls," replete with duck-call choruses, will at least ruin your lunch.
Wham's tale of Christmas betrayal has crawled its way into the holiday music canon by being a guilty pleasure for listeners year after year. But with the rebirth of '80s culture, countless covers have been released, all of them varying degrees of terrible. When it comes to Christmas pop music, let the originals rest in peace.
Clocking in at over five minutes, New Kids on the Block have given us the longest, and therefore, the most damaging Christmas song of all time. It would almost be a guilty pleasure if it wasn't so sublimely awful.
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How did this song even sneak into the lobby of the Christmas classics building? It should be banished forever to the parking lot of silence where it belongs.
We think the title speaks for itself, but if you need a refresher or insist on hearing the ill-produced track with your own ears, do so here. Just remember, we told you so.
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